For a long time I thought I was emotionally in tune and had real emotional intelligence, and in some ways I am, and I have. But there is also no question that I suffer from emotional dysregulation, which is likely a large indication of neurodivergence (ADHD is most likely).
I cry easily,
**just ask my kids and brother who tend to watch me not the film because I cry at any movie that has emotion, and the b*ggers love to take the p*ss**.
My mood swings can give you whiplash. I am quick to anger but tend not to hold on to it too long and forgive pretty swiftly. I love quickly and deeply, and sometimes lose interest just as fast, although not with friends. I am bubbly, engaging, and exuberant or down, and really annoyingly depressing.
In suffering with depression and anxiety, the resulting self-doubt is a constant companion (as it turns out these commonly go hand in hand with neurodivergence).
I am not sure that there is any real answer to this emotional dysregulation, sometimes I want to cry, but I can’t because self-awareness then makes my overthinking brain conscious of the need to emote, and I get stuck in a loop in my own head. Not only is this frustrating but it turns to anger, depression, or anxiety.
I have started the diagnosis process, in the hope that there will be help with this and a few other traits that it turns out are not ‘normal’ or neuro-typical.
It’s likely that these traits have become more obvious since lock down, as I didn’t have to use masking techniques that I had employed to ‘fit’ into the world since I was a kid. And traumas that I have spent time dealing with were covering some of these traits too.
For years I honestly thought I was undiagnosed with bi-polar (a common misdiagnosis for women and girls with ADHD) or just crazy, or maybe everyone felt like this, and they just didn’t talk about it. I often still feel kooky and locked inside my own head, I have times where the sheer weight of emotions are overwhelming. This is often when one of my awesome friends pops over to hug me so I can let it out. **This can be crying, screaming, shouting, or simply saying every thought running through my head out loud**.
It’s a mad messy place inside my head, and I am either stuck on pause or a million miles an hour, and the guilt over how this must have affected my kids, not least in the likelihood that both, not just one of my kids, are neurodivergent. The times I had snapped because my emotions were out of my control, the appointments I failed to make until I had been reminded several times because of my awful short-term memory and the 1700 reminders so as not to miss them, and many other things along the way, leaves me often paralysed in self-reflection.
And that my family and friends have had to deal with someone who is really hard work, I mean I give new friends the option to run. I have on many occasions self sabotaged, pushing something to breaking point because then at least I feel like it was my choice. That cannot be easy to be around.
Even for my Dad - I mean let’s face it, he has his own mental stuff that he refuses to see - but still it’s hard enough being a parent, but to a daughter who you don’t understand at the best of times, add undiagnosed neurodivergence and trauma. No wonder he buried his head in the sand!
I am not excusing his behaviour, I just understand it, if he was less egocentric perhaps he would too? I guess this brings me to the biggest issue I have right now, and that is that I am inadvertently burying the feelings I have about what is going on with him. I have screamed, and now I want to cry, and I can’t, it’s like I can’t get past the loading sign in my head.
I have lost, and at this point not to sound overdramatic **I know, me, overdramatic?!** the man that I have been closest to for the longest. I had constructed to a great degree an image of him in my head, and having that image stripped away has left me angry, sad and empty. Sorry to repeat myself, it is just crazy to me that this is possible.
So the reality is I need more therapy, which I am a huge advocate for. I want to move past this, I know that the only thing I have control over is my response, not him or his actions.
And hopefully along this next phase of my therapy journey I will discover new ways to deal with this emotional dysregulation, and not just mask it.
I am not in this blog saying I am not worth having in people’s lives.
I am compassionate, caring, interesting, deep, funny and clever. I see connections and paths that others do not. There are, as it turns out, superpowers in being different, but I understand they can also come at a cost and are not for everyone.
So if what you have read reminds you of someone or yourself the best advice, I have is show them, or yourself, love and kindness. The world can be a cruel place, and if you are that friend who understands just a little you may end up not just being a safe place for them, but also seeing just how amazing they can be, how much joy they can bring to your world, and what true friendship and/or love can look like.
The world could do with us being a little kinder to ourselves and each other.
As always thank you for reading