Two years later, some days I still feel like I am drowning.....
We all experience loss in different ways this much I have learnt over the last two years.
I have always been a pretty emotional person, not that everyone who knows me, knows that.
I have loud, bubbly, fun loving, sarcastic, but also serious, passionate, sometimes aggressive, and even angry personality. I am complicated contradiction. I spend a lot of time self evaluating and seeing events not just from my perspective but other peoples too.
When I lost my best friend just over two years ago, the pain was immense and immediate. It felt like I had lost a limb. I just cried all the time. What was I going to do without her? She was my sanity, my rock, not just a close friend, but a soul sister, and definitely one of the loves of my life (these don't always have to be romantic).
We had shared all our secrets, our hopes, dreams and fears. We had seen the darkest parts of each other, understood each others flaws, and seen the very best of each other too.
Or that's how it felt to me, I can't speak for her, she was a force of nature and very much had her own voice.
We would talk most days never really for less than an hour, we had chased the sunrise at dance events, laugh till we cried, talked all night on the phone watching thunderstorms about everything from the mundane, to the sublime and ridiculous.
This never in anyway took away from the fact she has two beautiful daughters and a husband (who remains her soul mate) whom she adored and devoted a lot of her life to, happily and unabashedly.
She was one of those people who just gave of herself to many people, and although she had many friends and contacts, her close friends were simply grateful to be in her orbit, and appreciated her, time, love and attention. We also understood how much she did and wanted to do.
'She was once described as a supernova that explodes into your world and is luminous and life changing.'
I guess that why her time was cut short, its unsustainable for too long but breath-taking while it lasts.
What was I going to do with all the time that she occupied in my life?
This one kind of resolved itself , a vacuum will always find a way to fill itself even if you don't want it to. Kids need attention, even teenagers, so I channelled some extra time towards them. I started a new job. And the big one began the degree that P had helped me choose and apply for. I also read books that she had recommended or we had simply spoke about, still do, it was a long list! The feeling of emptiness was still there and honestly still is. But I knew she wouldn't want me stop living.
How could I move forward with her love, support and guidance?
This one was and is a little harder, Although she is still the voice in my head, and oftentimes I know what she would say or challenge me to see. It still is tough and just a little harder without her. The world has lost a lot of it's sparkle for me without her. I don't know if that will come back, but I hope so.
I still get angry ...
......that I had what felt like so little time with her, but I know that she would be mad at me for not seeing it from the perspective, that some people do not ever get to experience the kind of friendship we had. I was incredibly lucky to have known her. She changed me, lifted me, challenged me and left an indelible mark on my soul.
So I guess the answer is that maybe the waves will never subside, but hopefully with each day, month, year they will get a little smaller and they will take some of the pain with them, that is happening, even if I don't feel it some times.
I look forward to a time when more days are about paddling rather than swimming with all my might against the tide.
For now I am trying to accept that this is how I feel, and that's ok too.
Some friendships are EXTRAORDINARY, guard them, love them and above all else appreciate them.