I am feeling a off and out of sorts.....
So this post may be reflective of that....
I struggle with focus al lot of the time, unless I hyperfocus, which never really feels like a choice.
This week I have been reading lots of articles and as a result I guess seeing lots of reels on social media about rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), for anyone who wants to know more I’ll put a link at the bottom of this post.
The realisation that RSD is very much a side effect of emotional dysregulation, and one that I have had my entire life. Looking back seeing all the times that I had perceived or experienced, rejection, or criticism (even constructive), or ridicule, my reaction was visceral, I felt like I had been physically hurt. And to my ‘normal’ family, friends it probably seemed exaggerated and disproportionate to what had happened or been said.
Rejection and criticism and that includes negative self-talk are the biggest triggers for me.
So this week I have experienced rejection again, and once more I felt like the rug had been pulled from under me. See when you feel deeply, the pain equals and often surpasses the admiration, affection or love (if that is in play).
I need to try to be clear I did not love this person, but because I overthink to the nth degree, I saw the possibility of being able to. It really could have become something beautiful.
Ever met someone and thought WOW and started to get to know them and that original reaction is multiplied. The connection is incredible, the sex is almost like an out of body experience, you feel comfortable being yourself, the conversations are stimulating and moreish, and to top it off you make each other laugh. That person really appears to see you, and values your character, humour, body and most importantly your intellect. Imagine having really high standards and not having to compromise on them, because that person naturally meets them.
You friends have even noticed you are lighter, and that you have not spoken about someone like this is some time!
Now envisage having all that in a ‘friend with benefit’ situation, where the lines of what you are become blurred. They are bound to, right?
Connections like this do not come along often.
So I did what was right in my head, I asked if there was any way that we could see if there was more. I didn’t want any major commitment. I mean we both have lives, and I have just gone and made mine busier by adding back hobbies that I had neglected for a while. Realistically I wasn’t asking to see him more than once possibility twice a week, where both our commitments permitted and the potential down the road for more and little more security.
We possibly would have ended up as more had I have kept my mouth shut, but I am no good at that, and it feels like manipulation in my head.
But the other person had made the decision before they met me that they do not want a relationship, or even the possibility of a relationship. So they walked away. It doesn’t really matter in this context what motivated their reaction. They obviously didn’t see it or feel that it was worth exploring. I am not blaming him; We all have our baggage and are the masters of our own fate.
Then RSD shows its face......
Cue the rejection pain……. I felt like my heart had been ripped out.
And the questions……
Had I imagined it all?
Was I the only one?
How could he not have seen what I did?
Why can't I just be normal?
If you are all the things he said you were why was it not enough?
And the negative self talk.....
You are too much.
You are not enough.
Well done... you drove him away.
You need to be better than this.
You are stupid to have let him see you.
You are not the woman that anyone ends up with
You are just the fun girl, no the one for anything real or long term.
So now what?
Well I have cried, smashed plates, and created angry and sad art **not for the purpose of anyone seeing it**, spoken to friends, some don’t understand I mean it was such a short time, others understand me a little better and know that this is simply how my divergent brain works.
And now I am writing about it. I don’t really know what happens from here, I can’t tell you how long I will feel this empty feeling. I am no longer crying, so that is a bonus. But I miss what we were and what we could have been.
And the trick of thinking that there are always people worse off than you, tends to add to the pain rather than alleviate it.
I know that I now must spend the time evaluating whether part of the reason I wanted more with him, was because it wasn’t an option, whether the chemical make up in my brain just really likes a challenge.
And although that is part of it, I suspect I wasn’t wrong in my perception of the connection and all the great things that I was feeling and could see myself feeling. It just was not reciprocated or he wasn't ready.
I am trying hard not to repeat past behaviour pattern, since I have experienced these feelings before, if not from the same situation. The rejection I have experienced in the past were in very unhealthy relationships, that had developed further, and the drama was what kept me going back. Honestly, I can say I only really was in love one of those people, although I have loved others deeply *there is a difference*.
I am not shutting myself away and closing out the world which I would have done in the past.
But as far as romantic relationships go, I think I need a break. I have said it before, I am not sure I am made for this world, online dating is soulless and vapid, and my social life does not usually lead me to meet anyone that I would be the least bit interested in. I have talked about high standards before, I have them, and I don’t see me lowering them anytime soon.
I will rebuild….
I mean it didn’t tear down the whole house it just gave it a little battering. I have a degree to finish, hobbies I have a rekindled love for, new hobbies that I am exploring, friends that I immensely enjoy spending time with and talking to, and real-world changes that I would like to play a role in helping develop for the betterment of everyone.
Do I hope to find my person? Yes.
OR do I hope this guy will wake up one day and realise that what we had and could have had is something he would like to explore? Yes!
However I cannot and will not put my life on hold for anyone, and if I am not available, either because I have met someone else or have found the purpose that fulfils me, then it will have been his loss. That is not meant to sound arrogant, but all the neurodivergence aside, I am bright, funny, entertaining, passionate, intelligent, loving, compassionate and caring **and a sexy badass b*itch who is awesome in bed and a pretty good cook!!** . (This is more of a reminder to myself than anything else and not an advert.)
I normally would have some way to relate this to another people but unfortunately because I am experiencing a disconnect and rejection, I don’t feel particularly able to be helpful, and that feels yukky and selfish.
For anyone who wants to read an article that explains a bit about rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) the link is: