So living inside my head is pretty fascinating a lot of the time, but there are times where is really isn't fun.
So recently I remembered what is like to feel lonely, which is not something I like to admit. Or something really let myself feel too often because it can be overwhelming. I am lucky that more often than not it doesn't even seem to last too long, and I am pretty good at redirecting the feeling into something else.
I have however noticed this tends to follow a pattern. Often it is because I meet someone and start to imagine the possibility of the thing (whatever that thing is) going somewhere. I read into things that are said because I am an overthinker (and very possibly neurodivergent). And all or nothing is my standard modus operandi.
And then the person realises that they don't want anything serious or even the possibility of anything becoming serious for their own reasons.
I do not hold them responsible for how I feel. He didn't really imply he ever wanted to get serious with me, but he didn’t explicitly say he just wanted a physical relationship either which in hindsight, might have been better in the long run.
So I am left feeling as a minimum silly, at worst angry at myself, for having obviously invented this fairy tale in my own head, in part because I am lonely.
For the most part a lot of the loneliness and lost feeling is born out of still missing my best friend, who really was the best partner substitute anyone could ever want. I didn't need a boyfriend when P was alive, she was my soundboard, and silliness partner, the one who understood and accepted me more than any person I have ever met in my life.
There really was no judgement, just love and advice. **And for everything else there are toys right?!**
This is not me trying to be down on myself I know I am amazing **ok maybe not amazing but quite interesting to be around**. However I am seeing a pattern, and obviously I am still not picking the right people. Which is bloody ironic, when I have not actively tried to find anyone since my last disastrous foray into the dating world.
And it does leave me wondering if it is me? Again I am the common denominator.
So now I have to analyse as healthily as I can how to prevent myself from ending up hurt, if only by my own expectations.
The simplistic answer is don't have any expectations.
Well if only I could switch that off?!
And as much as normally I would like to have some answers for anyone reading…. I am still a work in progress.
The positive of all of this is that generally these feelings tend to pass relatively quickly, because it isn’t heartbreak, it is just disappointment and rejection…. which suck, and no one likes to be rejected. But it doesn’t suck half as much as heartbreak.
Given time and that’s likely weeks rather than months, I will be back in my overall positive headspace, knowing that for all my overthinking and getting ahead of myself, I have obviously not met the right person.
Because that person will be ready and willing to see if something with me would, but mainly could see where things might take us, without having to throw the breaks on.
Again I am not criticising him and hold no malice towards him ….he is to my knowledge a really cool, funny, kind, attractive human, and when the time is right I hope he finds exactly what he is looking for **and yes I am sad that's not me**.
So in answer to the first statement – It must be me…. in some ways it absolutely is me, but necessarily in the negative sense with the right person?
Perhaps it is wrong time, right person?
However, I think I have mentioned before, if it really were the right person I don't believe the timing wouldn’t be the deciding factor.
So for now, I am off to find a project to fixate on, ** while I mend my not broken but perhaps slightly bruised heart**.