Trigger warning!!!
I wrote this a couple of weeks ago now......
I spent the best part of the last week sobbing, I mean the kind of crying that leaves you feeling wrung out and burnt out.
Sadly the hardest part of perhaps not being ‘normal’ is how deeply I feel everything. If I am happy I am elated, if I am angry I want to burn and break things, if I am sad then I am so sad it is soul sucking sorrow. Even when I feel nothing it is the kind of nothingness that is an all consuming void.
The reason it all started was because I felt rejected personally which I do not deal well with, and then on top of that I was overwhelmed by my anger at what is going on in the world.
There are too many things to list, and that in itself is pretty f***ing depressing.
So on Sunday I started crying and didn’t stop completely till the following Saturday.
Anyway what finally made me break down to the point of ruin was the most ridiculous thing to most other people, but for me it was the proof I needed that I am utterly useless. I had in a bid to try to stay on top of my life **which has honestly been far harder of late** set up a diary reminder to attend a hospital appointment on Tuesday. So with 6 alarms set throughout the day to remind me to get ready, clean my teeth, leave the house on time etc….
Yes to you this may seem strange but many days this is what it takes to do some of these things if not all of them, and remember to get somewhere on time (or close to).
I went to the hospital and found the clinic, which they had moved **really not helpful to someone who is always a little, ok often a lot late anyway and gets lost pretty easily**.
Anyway I walk in and am informed that I have no appointment and I have come on the wrong day. I realised in that moment that my appointment had been for the day before, well of course it was your clinic is always on a Monday, how did you not check over the weekend or when you did your blood test the week before?? Honestly K you are a 1st class tw*t!!
So I returned to my car and just broke down, every feeling of inadequacy came to the surface and I wanted the world to stop, so I could just step off.
I called my Mum, bless her for just patiently listening and trying to soothe her very upset **understatement** daughter. I said to her, why can’t I just function like everyone else? Why can’t I remember and do the most basic of things? I felt utterly useless, broken, lost and alone. That is not to say that talking to Mum wasn’t a comfort, but when you feel like you simply don’t belong in this world, nothing really makes you feel better. This is not an unusual feeling of otherness or not belonging for me, but when it comes with feelings of worthlessness it is compounded and devastating.
Anyway, after sitting and talking to her for at least 30 minutes and I am still sat in my car, because my car is the in-between this really comfortable place to sit where I am not hit with all the things, I have to do, have failed to do, or just don’t want to face or do.
See the moment I go into my flat I know that I have a list of things I need and/or should do, and the feeling of not knowing where to begin hits!
I don’t want to let the emotion be the only thing that is steering the ship, it will simply become much darker and all consuming. I don’t have much control over this but honestly, I don’t want to plan my suicide (sorry I know that’s an awful thing to say, and I sincerely believe I won’t ever act on this but it is the reality of when I feel this way), or be swallowed by the destructive thoughts that often threaten to take over.
So my mum suggested a bath, and I told her I loved her, and got off the phone, promising that if I still need to vent or cry later, I would call her back.
Then whilst still in my car, yep, I am still not ready to leave, the car is off, parked safely and frigging freezing, but it’s the safe space.
Then I got a text from a really good friend who simply said he hoped all was well in my world. Being one of the people I trust most in this world and also someone who can find the light in most situations….. I called him, well it took 20 mins but whilst on the phone, just talking through how I felt and then him distracting me a little with his escapades, I finally left the car got into my flat, ran a bath, and got in, we continued to chat and when we hung up I felt a little better.
However the waves of utter sadness just kept coming for the next few days, not just over the things I was dealing with in the present, but missing my best friend hit again, and as always it felt like I had only just lost her.
Grief is a f***er and never really seems to feel less painful, thankfully there are moments, days, even weeks when some respite is afforded me. But for the best part of the week I was just crying, my eyes hurt, my throat was sore, I had I permanent headache and I just achieved nothing. I mean I communicated briefly with a few friends, but mostly I shut the world out.
Finally on the Thursday I made some progress, I contacted student support regarding getting help, since they are in the loop with the diagnosis process for neurodivergence, and to let them know I had got behind with my latest assignment. I also contacted my tutor directly and asked for a much needed extension, so that the deadline was again achievable. I booked to go swimming and actually called a couple of friends to let them know I was emerging from the dark space.
Friday I got up went swimming **yes about 4 alarms aided in this process**.
I swam till my body ached, and then went to the health suite….
**not sure it should really be called that, I am sure that there are many contractible diseases all over that place YUK!!! **
Anyway once home I finally tidied and cleaned a little, and finished the audiobook I had started the day before – Dave Grohl’s Story teller is a very good book by the way.
I mean I still cried, at points, Thursday, Friday and Saturday, but I was not longer a complete mess.
I guess my reason for telling you all this latest episode in my life, is to show that mental health issues (and neurodivergence) are ongoing battles.
I have a good clown face and to many I probably seemed a little absent or down, in the world of social media, I probably appeared the same as I normally would. It is easy to pretend in the world of social media that all is ok, it is relatively easy to hide from some friends that all is not ok or at least okish. There are few people really that truly understand, and are comfortable feeling and sitting with you in the pain, the best ones hand you the flashlight and help pull you out of the dark, never forcing but not also leaving you alone to get lost further.
There are many of us that all too often feel lost, useless, broken and alone. And hopefully it passes quickly like last week’s episode did for me, I have been through far longer and darker periods and I am always scared they will come back and stick around for weeks or months or, in the worse case, years.
But I just wanted to let you know there is light, you may not always see it, but it is there. Often it takes the form of these beautiful people that will show up and keep showing up. They may not be able to change the way you feel, but they show you that you are worth fighting for, even on the days when you don’t think you are.
We are all spectacular in our own ways, never forget that you mean a lot to those who love you…..
And in the times you are in the darkness, try to remember the times you have been that light for others. And mostly show yourself the compassion you would show someone you love if it were them experiencing it.
As always thank you for reading